BABALON: ADVENTURES IN SEX MAGIC by Seth Cardorra
Somebody finally gets the joke.
Babalon: Adventrues in Sex Magick is a feeble, but hilarious, attempt to blend tantra, thelma, babalon, Uncle Al, The Left Hand Path and everything else naughty in the occult scene into one unified mint chocolate shake. Sometimes its funny, sometimes its just plain dumb.
The congregation shouts: “Babs-Ba-Bing”.
Note that this last term is also a Holy sound made by Babs when the universe was created this time. At this point, Babs became the ultimate Babs that are not the same as the local Babs. The local Babs, which rest in the hearts of the faithful, were manifest and thrived inside the soul. This is the inner Babs that can log into the Ultimate Babs at any moment. The congregation should reflect on the inner meaning of these words after they have been recited.
One attendant holds up the holy book of the Babsonian Saints and lets the faithful see it. They clap and cheer when the book is held high. The attendant lowers the book and begins to read from a random chapter or verse. Depends on what is happening at the period. This book is known as the Babsarium and can be obtained in a limited edition from your better New Age and Occult shops.
Here is an example from the reading of the Babsarium:
“On this day we celebrate Patsy Kline, the great singer and example of musical ability. It was she that led a revolution in country music that spread across the land. Her legacy continues to this day in all cheap beer joints south of the Mason-Dixon line. Blessed be Saint Patsy.”
The other attendant then reads a list of names of that are held up as great examples of Babsonian martyr saints:
“All praise these Holy Women Saints: Leah, Rose, Mary, Jeannie, Roody, Bertha and Mary. There are many more but this is what we have time for today. Consult the bookstore online for a detailed biography of each. More information can be found in the latest Babsarium edition, which can be purchased for a small fee.”
To conclude the readings, the Babst picks up a copy of the 1965 Sears Christmas Catalogue and reads a random page. He closes the catalogue and hands it to one of the attendants. The attendant kisses the front cover of it and places it with the other books on a small card table set off to one side of the temple for his purpose.
The reading part of the service closes with a lecture from the Babsa. She steps forward and gives a small talk on whatever subject might interest her at the moment. The only requirement for this part is that the talk not is a question and answer format and that it is interesting. Boredom in sermons will not be tolerated by Babs.
Once the reading part is concluded, the congregation sits back down and waits for the final part. The collector trolls through the faithful for any money they might have brought in with them in their hands our otherwise. Once he’s sure there is no more cash to be had, the collector makes a final note in his ledger and takes it and the green bag up to the card table, where he deposits both on it. The attendants each count the cash and make sure the count agrees with each other. The collector makes a note in his book and takes the green bag to a safe in the corner where he deposits the money. He will stand watch over the money for the rest of the service and not participate. Later that week, an armed security guard will appear and take the cash with the appropriate paper work to the bank.”
Read at your own risk and not with too many beers.